Being a Bastard: 101

First off, to share some more of my current musical taste

This is meant as a piece of comedy, which will be followed by a serious apology to the affected parties, because I feel (still after about a week) really really shitty about it, and though the following portrays the event as planned, it wasn’t, I just really wanted to go climbing on Binnian.

So as some of you (probably many of you) may know, I can be a real bastard sometimes.  Now I maintain that MOST of the time, I am a level-headed (idiotic), calm (twitching from caffeine and sugar) and for the most part a mostly amicable fellow (that one is fairly true).  But as we all know, every now and then (more often than I care to admit) we all do something a bit not on, a bit out of character, or something just plain bastardly.  This may or may not be intentional, but EVERYONE has a bit of bastard in them (some literally, if you know what I mean).  This is a guide on how to be a REAL bastard, this is how I was a complete bastard.

Step 1: Security

Nothing makes you more a bastard than betraying the trust of your victim.  This is the key part of the bastardry, as nothing hurts more than betrayed trust.  To complete this step one must create a SECURE situation, one where the victim TRUSTS you.  Trust can only be betrayed once it has been built.  This can be done by several methods; telling someone you have their back, or agreeing to their terms on a matter of importance.

Case study:  “Hey Andrew, you want to go climbing over the weekend?” “Yea sure, I really want to go to Lower Cove, got that Gynocrat hype!” “Nice dude, sounds like a plan”.

Here we have created TRUST and a SECURE situation for the victim.

Step 2: The Twist

This is an optional step.  This is for those looking to further hone their bastard ways, by adding a little finesse to the plot.  This is done by creating just a hint of the secure situation changing slowly, that first sign that all is not as it had first seemed.  Similar feelings to this include; thinking you are over a cold, then waking up with a dry throat, or when your car takes just a couple of extra seconds to start on a cold morning.

Case study:  “So guys, Andrew was thinking about heading to Lower Cove, what do you guys think? I mean I would rather go up Binnian, but I’m not fussed either way…” “Well I have never been up Binnian, so that sounds interesting.” “I hear the climbing is class on Binnian.” “I mean…I did say Lower Cove and you all said yes on the facebook chat, but…..if everyone would rather go to Binnian….”

Here we have sent the situation into a spiral, as though it has TWISTED and warped slightly, but still recoverable.

Step 3: The Drop

This is the moment that the victim truly realises the situation has changed, that things are not as they seemed.  THIS is when the moment of betrayal truly happens.  This could be when your phone runs out of battery, or when you open the course work you did last night, and realise you didn’t save the newest copy.

Case study: “Well, I’m not all that fussed, but if the general consensus is to go for Binnain, I say we go to Binnian”

At this point, the face of the victim will DROP, and their respect for you will also DROP.

Step 4: Rinse and Repeat

For added psychological damage, repeat The Twist and The Drop over and over.  This can be done by re-establishing a new secure situation.

Case study: “Dude, I know you were really psyched to climb at Lower Cove, but there are some top quality climbs on Binnian, some of the best in the Mournes”

In this case, the truth was told, some of the best climbs in the Mournes are on Binnian.  However, we didn’t do them, it was raining, and it was freezing cold.

Bonus features

Sometimes you will be fortunate enough that factors out of your control help out a little.  In our case study, the weather repeatedly fluctuated between light rain that soaked routes, and dry sunny spells, but not quite long enough to dry the routes (and certainly not long enough to allow them to dry and be climbed all the way to the top before the next spot of rain arrived).

Now for the next bit please play this and then start reading again

Case Study

On that day Andrew, Alex, Conor and Liz went to climb on Lower Cove, they never arrived.  Because Conor was a bastard.  Instead they climbed Binnian, only to find that the weather did not favor them.  They sat up there, in the cold and wind and rain.  They attempted to climb two routes, and failed both, one due to lack of holds, and the other due to weather.  Instead they resorted to top-roping the only dry bit of rock, and still failed.

“Andrew was gonna climb Gynocrat, but instead, his psyche died right there by that climb on Binnain.  And that’s all all I’ve got to say about that.” – Conor Gump 2015

Legit serious public apology time.  I really sorry Andrew, I was a twat.